At 36 weeks pregnant on July 22nd 2005, I hadn't felt movement and ate several spoonfuls of sugar and laid down...nothing. I called my doctor and he said to go to labor and delivery. Jesse rushed from work and they took us into a room to do an ultrasound. The nurse came in and when I saw the screen I knew something was wrong.."no heartbeat" she said. My world shattered, how could it be..the little girl I had hoped and dreamed for..gone. How could we go home and tell the boys that their unborn baby sister had died?
We went to the hospital later that night to induce labor. Avery was silently born. 6lbs. 1 oz with long black hair. It was the most spiritual experience I've ever had. A amazing nurse came in and bathed her and we got to hold her and keep her in our room until we were ready to leave. The next days were a blur..picking a casket, buying a dress for her to be buried in, funeral, grieving.
It would have been Avery's 3rd birthday July 23rd. When I sit down to write I feel overwhelmed...with sadness, with thoughts of what would have beens, with guilt.
Her death, for me, has been somewhat bittersweet. It's changed who I am, for the better mostly, I appreciate my kids more and see things from a different perspective..but I used to be a pretty care-free person that made friends easily and now I'm more cautious, easily distracted..scattered. I feel guilt when I see other peoples blogs, that I lost over 2 years with my kids. Grieving, being sick and pregnant and overwhelmed with stress trying to get Lilly here "alive", then trying to find what "normal" is again. It's hard to think if Avery where here, we wouldn't have Lilly.
I can't really say I'm grateful for what has happened. As time goes by, the sharp pain goes away and I have my bad days, but when I look at Connor, Trey and Lilly, I hope it's made me a better parent.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
remembering Avery
Posted by bgerson at 8:31 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
so glad you are back blogging! what a beautiful post...you are a wonderful mother and your children are just beautiful. i am greatful for the example of strength that you have been to me! i miss you :)
I think that has to be the hardest thing a parent can go through, and I am sure it is completely life changing. I remember in Kindergarten, reading a book to the kids and asking what they would wish for if they had one wish and Trey saying he'd wish for his baby sister. Just broke my heart.
I am glad you shared your feelings. ((Hugs)) Even those hard feelings in life are beautiful, and I really do think that the deeper we've hurt, the greater capacity we have to love.
you are amazing! I remember how hard that was, I was just moving away, and talking to you about it when I came back visited with you.
I can't even imagine how that was for you. Thanks for sharing your feelings, you are truly loved. I hope that time will continue to heal. Your children are beautiful and Lilly is just a Doll! and your little angel is always with you...
Hugs...from cali.
Hey there Brittany...I think you are wonderful and a very caring mother. I loved reading your thoughts about Avery..thanks for sharing. Love ya, Vanessa
It's hard to explain the "lost time" and the searching for "normal." Our experiences are a little different but I think I know what you're talking about. Overall I'm happy with who I've become but would give anything to have it differently.
After our 6 years, it doesn't bother me to read about the joys of other people's kids, but it is really hard for me to hear them complain about them. (Even though I do it too!)
I think the most profound thing is what you said about how Lilly wouldn't have been here. Isn't that crazy? We definitely wouldn't have had Jonathan just a year later either and the others when we did. Life is such a crazy thing to understand.
But I do know our grief comes because of love and I'm so touched by the things you wrote. You're a wonderful mom and your kids are gorgeous. I'm sure they understand your struggles, and they just love the time you CAN give them now.
I admire you is so many ways. You have no idea.
Hey Brittany, I had lost your blog and just found it again on Vanessa's. This post is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I know everyone has different trials and hard things to go through, and I think what you went through is harder than what I've gone through, but there are certain parts of your post that I can really relate to...especially feeling like you've lost time with your kids and having guilt about that and trying to return to "normal". Life is interesting. Life is hard. But if we choose to look at the good and make the best of what we have, like you have done...life is beautiful. Thanks again for sharing.
You are an amazing woman. I feel so blessed to know you. I am so so sorry for your loss. My jeart will be with you this week and always. Xoxo
Post a Comment